Jumaat, 1 Julai 2011

How to leave a football club

Tactic One: Blame Someone Else

It’s usually helpful to pick someone unquestionable. A small, defenceless child or homesick wife, for example. Who could be angry with a man for wanting to please his family? It’s surely a commendable quality.

Many may think this is a relatively modern ruse, but it’s been used for quite some years. Players have often cited missing their friends/family/children as a reason for moving clubs. Makes you seem more cuddly-teddy-bear than money-grabbing-mercenary, and the best bit is you don’t even have to follow through with it.

Move further away from that which you yearned to be closer to and nobody will notice - the British public aren’t renowned for their map-reading ability.

What to say: “At the end of the day I’m just a human being and I miss my family, like anyone would.”

What not to say: “Spending time with the children? Whose? Mine? I’ve got some?” 

Tactic Two: Play the God Card
Don’t go to church? Have no traceable history of being overtly religious? No problem.

Who can argue with God (perhaps not best to answer that one)? Only God decides your future and only He knows where you’ll be playing next year.

Questioning this would be verging on blasphemy and a direct insult to over 2 billion Christians worldwide, whereas you hijacking God to do your dirty work is perfectly acceptable.

Just think of the work you do for charity, He virtually owes you one.

What to say: “My future? Only God can decide it.” 
What not to say: “These are rosary beads? I just thought they looked cool.”  

Tactic Three: Get the Sympathy Vote
Not got the pay rise you were expecting and looking for lucrative new pastures? You’re clearly being forced out. No need to go into details about money with the press and fans, just share your disappointment at being shipped out of the club you love.

You want to play the vulnerable footballer here. The idea being to invoke images of you walking away from the stadium teary-eyed and carrying your belongings in a plastic bag. Preferably one from Lidl.

What to say: “I didn’t want to leave this club, the fans understand that. One day they’ll know the full story.” 
What not to say: “Did they seriously think I was going to stay after that contract offer?” 

Tactic Four: Club Doesn’t Match Your Ambition
You want to play at the highest level, nobody can deny you that. Champions League football is what every professional aims for, it’s the pinnacle and will help your international career. The beauty of this is that you don’t even need to join a team in the Champions League, by then your stipulation of needing that level of football will have been long forgotten.

Take it to a higher level and claim you want to win trophies. Again, you don’t actually have to join a team that does so, just continue to reiterate your own high ambitions.

What to say: “I wanted to be successful with this team but footballers have a limited career and I need to test myself at a higher level.” 
What not to say: “If the club had any ambition they’d have offered me more money, what else can I judge them on?” 

Tactic Five: The Rumours Have Nothing to Do With Me
The more transfer rumours there are about you, the less of a shock it is when you move. It's cushioning the blow.

A little picture of you holding up the scarf of the club you’re linked with could accidentally appear all over the internet.  Blame Photoshop, it’s foolproof.  Throw in a few comments about people in the picture having two heads, six fingers and an extra arm and you’ve no need to worry - yet you’ve just managed to plant a seed and buttered up supporters of the club you allegedly want to sign for. Mugs.

What to say: “I can’t help it if people want to write stories.  It’s just speculation; I don’t know where it comes from.” 
What not to say: “You only read it in two papers? Really? I asked my agent to get it in all of them.” 

Tactic Six: Have a Dream
You got to have a dream, If you don't have a dream, How you gonna have a dream come true. Quite.

Who can question the dreams of children? When you were young, running around a concrete football pitch, using broken bottles and syringes for goalposts, you dreamed of one day being a superstar footballer playing for the club you cherished. All football fans can relate to that.

You may think this restricts you to just the one dream club, oh no! The dream can be recurring but with different teams. Who didn’t have a whole selection of teams they supported as a child?

What to say: “It feels great to be finally fulfilling a childhood dream.  This was the only club I’d have left *insert name of less glamorous team here* for.” 
What not to say: “To be honest, where I’m from, nobody had heard of Chelsea when I was growing up.” 

Tactic Seven: How To Leave a Relegated Club
This can be a touchy area, especially when those overly-emotional football supporters are still grieving. Some of them may even expect you to stay and help get the side promoted.

This may sound bizarre, but many will even think you have some kind of moral responsibility to do so, that you should share some of the blame for relegation.

Even more ridiculous, and I kid you not, you could be required to do this on lower wages! So not only has your pride taken a fall but they want your wages to do so too! Hilarious, I know.

Best tactic here is to let the dust settle and then leg it when fewer people are looking.

What to say: “I’m genuinely gutted to be going but have to think of my career.” 
What not to say: “You’re actually asking me why I’m leaving? Are you mad?”

source: http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/opinion/columnists/annie-eaves/Annie-Eaves-football-funny-column-Seven-tactics-footballers-use-as-excuses-to-leave-their-club-article753638.html

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